Baywatch fills the beach with garbage

Movie Title: Baywatch

Grade: D for don’t waste your time and money on this raunchy garbage

Rating: R, 116 minutes

In a Nutshell:

Based on the popular 1990’s TV show and timed perfectly for the beginning of summer and beach season, this vulgar film is terrible.

Uplifting theme:

Saving lives

Things I liked:

The opening sequence when the Rock saves someone in the water at the beach is hilarious. He’s so unbelievably buff. Someone asks him, “Are you Batman?” He replies, “Sure. Just bigger and browner.” Later, someone else says, “I heard he invented Google.” He’s pretty amazing and I was really hoping this action comedy would be good. So disappointing.
Subtitles for surfer lingo. Hilarious. I lived in San Diego for 6 years, but never quite learned the language.
David Hasselhoff returns to inspire the new leaders. Notice the picture of him on the wall in the office. Ha ha
Alexandra Daddario’s eyes are gorgeous. So are Zac Efron’s. Man, is he cut and tan in this movie.
“Little Mitch” in the aquarium was pretty funny.
Fun little surprise at the end for true Baywatch fans.
Hilarious seeing Dwayne Johnson working at Sprint.
Keep watching during the rolling credits at the end of the movie for some bloopers with the actors.
The advice about being aware of “Sand Grifters” is a good one. There are always plenty of scumbag thieves at the beach, just waiting for you to not pay attention. Someone stole my brand, new beach towel while my husband and I swam in the water on our honeymoon. Stinkers.
One of my sons was a lifeguard one summer…

Things I didn’t like:

The first 15 minutes of the movie are about a guy who gets his “junk” stuck somewhere. What, are the writers of this movie 12? C’mon.
It’s surprising that a Chinese film company (Shanghai Media Group and Huahua Pictures) would have anything to do with this filthy movie. Their country rejects such profanity and vulgarity.
The fire on the boat scene looked SUPER fake. A LOT of the scenes look fake.
The movie definitely doesn’t take itself seriously. In fact, it would have been funny if it were just one big spoof on the source material. It lost me the minute it took a swim in the gutter and became super trashy.
After watching this movie, you’re going to look in the mirror and never want to eat again. The cast is in incredible shape.

Funny lines:

“Everything you guys are saying sounds like an entertaining, but far-fetched TV show.” – Matt Brody (Zac Efron)
“Why does she always look like she’s running in slow-mo?” – Summer (Alexandra Daddario)

“She’s the reason I believe in God.” – Ronnie (Jon Bass)

“Jason Bourne ain’t got nothing on me.” – Matt Brody
“Shoes? You’re wearing workerman shoes? How far have you fallen?” – Hasslehoff
“You people? You people?!” – Matt Brody

“You don’t get to say that. You’re just tan.” – Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson)

“You’re like the Stephen Hawking of swimming, minus the paralysis part.” – Captain Thorpe (Rob Huebel)
“He’s reckless and insubordinate.” – Mitch Buchannon

“Which is why we can afford him.” – Captain Thorpe

“Hey, High School Musical!” – Mitch calls Zac Efron’s character. ha ha

Interesting lines:

“Every man has his price.” – Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra)
“Leon doesn’t talk. He’s a man of action and there’s a purity in that.” – Dave (Hannibal Buress)

Tips for parents:

This is a trashy movie. There is a constant stream of crude, inappropriate jokes. If you try to filter out the bad parts, this will be a 15 minute movie.
You see tons of scantily clad and even a guy’s “package” completely naked.
TONS of profanity and F-bombs, even in the soundtrack.